I Don't Eat Meat

I am a vegetarian.

I use the term loosely people.

It's not that I'm not, it just that I have no clue what I'm doing.

About 9ish months ago I decided I didn't want to eat meat anymore. So I stopped. Not that I haven't had a weak moment or two. The hubs got a new BBQ for Father's Day, and o.m.g., now makes the most amazing steaks ever. I had to taste it. It really is the most amazing steak ever.

Weak moments aside, I'm still cooking for a house full of meat eaters.

I don't eat meat, the hubs doesn't eat veggies, the kiddos fall somewhere in between. The kiddos, J-Dude and the BabyGirl, have actually expressed an interest in becoming vegetarians a couple of times. For now I just let them try out the new things I'm trying and if they like it they can eat it. I think it freaked them out a little when I mentioned all the things they were eating, that were, in fact, meat. There eyeballs nearly poped out of their skulls (often the reaction I get from others when I tell them I don't eat meat).

It's funny, I could probably tell people I was pregnant again and get a calmer reaction out of them (not that me being pregnant would be that shocking, except that I will NOT be pregnant again. Ever.). I guess I just don't understand why not eating meat is such a big deal. The hubs doesn't eat avocados (the most deliciousy deliciouness), some people don't eat chocolate! That is a big deal.

I didn't become a veggie 'cause I was all 'animals have rights too!' or anything. My plate was just lacking colour and I felt like crap. It seems that the less I eat it the more grossed out I am by it though. Now other things are starting to get to me.

Eggs. Ummm, Hi. I'm just a hatch away from being a chicken.

Milk. Why do we drink milk from another animal? I didn't pump and give my milk to pigs. (I watched Pink's video for Raise Your Glass and there is a certain part in it that got me thinkin' about this one). But without milk I don't have cheese. I LOVE cheese. And no more yogurt. *sigh*

I'm certain there are other things I'm still eating that are questionable, I just haven't realized it yet.

My Momma bought me a subscription to Vegetarian Times for my B-Day, but it has yet to arrive. I really am in need of some education though. I think it's time to head to the library.

A Love Letter

Life is so hard.

Life with love is hard.

It's hard to believe, but I do believe, that life without love would be harder.

How did you grow up to believe in the fairtale? I guess maybe you didn't believe in it at all. If you didn't, how did it happen that you got to live it, your very own fairytale?

I believed. Because of you I still do. Not from something you said, but from living it, everyday.

Maybe that's how it happens. Some of us don't get to witness the fairytale, and somehow, some of us find it... others who know it... maybe we search too hard or expect too much...

Choices.

Too many choices.

Who knows, maybe for you it's not a fairytale. I'm on the outside looking in.

It looks like a fairytale.

It feels like the biggest kind of love.

The Coolest Iceberg on the Planet

So this post is response to another blog post. I was thinking I'd have more to say than would fit in that little comment box.

Katie you really are the coolest iceberg. Your blog really makes my brain tick, in the best way possible.

I saw the movie Into the Wild. Unfortunately this is the extent of my knowledge of Chris McCandless. I love that movie. It's sad, so sad. I was captivated. It is one of the most amazing stories.

My dad was a bit of a hippie when I was a kid. Okay, not really, but that's what I think of this phase of his life as - his hippie phase. My parents were very young when they started their family, so I was a young impressionable child when my Dad went through his save-the-world-nature-is-our-best-friend thing.

Chris' story reminded me of my Dad. He always talked about moving up north and living off the earth. Having a family and getting caught up in life and security kept him from doing that. I believe. I'm not my dad, so I can't say exactly, but I know that's part of it, even if it's a small part.

It didn't stop him, however, from being his crazy, wonderful, curious self. And rubbing off on me a little in the process.

We camped. A lot. In tents. With the dog. Camping is a lot of work, especially with wee ones. I have discovered this the last couple of years. And we do it in a pop-up, in trailer parks. When I was a kid we were in sheltered sites. No pool or park. Just lakes and dirt and rocks and trees. And we loved it. I still do.

I have never been in a situation where it was just me and the wilderness. In the survival sense. But I always have moments where it's quiet and still and I can breathe. Like really breathe and I feel free. In that moment nothing has ever been more beautiful or real. And I could conquer the world.

And now I can share that with my kids. And I hope they get that feeling.

If I could convince my dear hubs we would sell our house and buy a trailer and drive around and see the world, or the bit of it that we could reach in an RV. I would home school the kids and we would stop here and there to work so we could fill up the gas tank and buy some more groceries. When we tired of travelling we would find a chunk of land in the bush somewhere very north of here (not Alaska, but further than the-place-that-shall-not-be-named) and have a huge garden and chickens and i could can food and make everything from scratch... kinda Little House on the Prairie style, but a little more modern and very Eco-friendly. No TVs or computers (I don't think I could make it without music though). My kids would have an opportunity to learn about what's really important in life, things that I can't actually teach them. Feeling alive and real. This is my hippie dream.

We don't get that living in the world of jobs, and mortgages, and keeping up with the Jones'. It's so easy to get sucked into though.

There are so many things I observed my dad doing, that I helped him with or that we all did together. He gave me something that couldn't be taught, a gift that doesn't cost anything and worth more than any amount of money. Because of that I can identify with Chris McCandless. I may not be in a position to give up all of my possessions, even if I'd like to, but I know what it feels like to want to. To want to have a greater purpose than paying bills and living for everything outside of myself. To fill a need that comes alive inside of myself when I'm climbing up rocks and sitting under trees and watching the sunset over the lake.

That is my super long reply to Katie's short and powerful post. I'm very wordy. Thanks for helping my brain tick Katie!

A random fact, and something I've learned because of my father: The most disgusting smell in existence: simmering cow brains. Do not try this at home, just take my word for it. How do I know this? Apparently they somehow assist in preparing, staining or setting deer hide. I don't remember exactly, but I do know it is an awful smell.

Selfish Me

I am a very selfish person. I always have been (just ask one of my sisters). I just spent most of my life not really caring that much about it. I guess it's taken a husband and kids for me to acknowledge how incredibly selfish a person I am cable of being.

This past year I have done a lot of things for me. Maybe I felt the kids were starting to get more independent so this was acceptable now, idk. Here are a few of the things I spend my time doing: reading copious amounts of fan fiction, reading lots of books, writing, attempting to learn to play guitar, listening to music, stickin' new holes in my face. The selfishness isn't just me doing these things, but all the things I'm not doing because I'm doing all this other stuff. I'm also horrible at sharing everything, short tempered (there's more, but lettuce get to the point)... I guess it's been a year of reinvention. Reinventing my me. Or digging. Maybe digging is a better way to put it. I know I'm in there. I've just been trying to find me.

Some part of me feels like this is a totally acceptable thing to do. I lost a huge chunk of my me when I met my hubs (which sucks, but I was 17, I didn't know any better) and then the rest of me bought a first class ticket to nowhere when I started having the kids. Feeling a bit lost these last few years I was thinking it was about time to get me back.

Another part of me thinks I need to shut up and suck it up. No, when you're 17 you shouldn't give up all your interests for a boy, but at the same time incorporating new people in your life means opening up to new things (obviously not exactly what I did, but whatever). Having kids means change too. You do have to give up a lot. Little mini's require a lot of attention. And isn't that what I always wanted? Duh...

So there's got to be some sort of middle ground, right?

Where?

Anyone?

I have to be a happy momma to do all of the things I need to do for my kids. I need to do things for me too... circles... I'm getting dizzy.

How can I do things for me and not be selfish, or feel like I'm being selfish. Mabye I need to start smaller. All I know is I don't have the answers, but hopefully I'm learning and I can be a better me.

It's Been A Long Time...

Oh my goodness!! November 12th! That is ridiculous!!

I really have no valid explanation for my absence. I've been here, being utterly unproductive, as usual.

I blame fan fiction, and ADF. And Twitter... a little.

So many things have happened since November.... so many things I can remember any of them.

Oh!Oh! I know! I am officially an auntie now. I have all sorts of illegitimate nieces and nephews. You know, kids you see almost as often as your own, but don't live in your house, and call you aunt. Anywho, my sister had a baby! So I have a nephew! Who I see less often than the others.

That is because they live in The Place That Shall Not Be Named. Five freakin' hours away!! Which reminds me of other news! The 'rents finally bought a place of their own. We're going to see it this weekend. It is after all, the looooong 24 weekend.

I was talking to my step-mother in-law the other day about how much everything changes. Ten years ago the hubs and I would throw a tent, a few blankets, a couple pillows, some munchies and a cooler full of beer(or whatever) in the back of the truck and take off to camp at the beach with friends. Now we have a pop-up, bedding, clothes, shoes, coats, toiletries, toys, and a billion other things to pack up for five people just to go away for a weekend. Wtf happened? We are going to my parents, so I'm not worried they'll be a lack of partying, it's just different... and A LOT more work. I have to prepare.

What?

I know!

I don't even prepare my grocery list until I'm heading out the door.

Needless to say, my lack of preparation skills drives the hubs up the wall. 'Yes! While you're at work all week I will be doing laundry, packing, and getting ready to go!' or I'll do some laundry, read a bunch of ff and pack on Thursday, and Friday. I fail at ... well the list is rather long, but today well say... packing?

*RAGE*

Sorry, I just got a call from the hubs himself. Looks like some last minute over-time is a MUST this weekend. Yes, I'm using this again: WTF?!?

This new turn of events has lead to an early end of this post.

I need a drink.

Stupid work.